Today I had the opportunity to take my son to the local children's museum. In his usual reserved way, he approached each exhibit with caution, being careful to watch for some time before inching over slowly. Never letting go of my hand, he would work up the courage to join in the fun - but on his own terms as always. While others are laughing and playing with abandon, my son likes to watch for quite awhile, sit and smile for even longer, then bravely let go of my hand when he is confident that he understands the situation. He's been like this since he was a very small baby - a quintessential "slow to warm" temperament.
I don't care for the term "fearful," which I think is the new term used when discussing temperaments. "Slow to warm" seems more accurate. It isn't fear that prohibits my son from joining in right away. It seems to be more of a mix of insecurity in the social setting coupled with his keen observation and heightened senses. He's a kid that likes to know first before he jumps in the deep end with both feet. As his mother, it is important for me to trust his ability to discern for himself the situations that make him feel safe, and ones that make him feel hesitant.
I'll freely admit that I am tempted to coax, push, and put him in situations that he is uncomfortable, because after all, the other mommies are watching me and my non-participating son. But who would that benefit? Me and my parenting insecurities, that's who. As the late George Harrison, (rest peacefully, George) would say, it's I Me Mine! I doubt that Anthony would learn anything except that his mommy cares more about other's opinions of her as a mother, than of his feelings. The hippie in me knows that others' opinions of my parenting is not my priority.
When I am tempted to say, "Oh come on, it'll be fun, just go play with the other kids," I have to stop, take a cleansing breath and trust in my child. I recognize that when I allow my child to decide and lead, I have to trust that I have educated him in ways that are beneficial to him.
It is easy to doubt myself, my abilities, and parenting philosophy. The messages surround me everyday: Your child needs to be ready! More! More! More! Earlier! Earlier! Earlier!
Ready for what? When is it enough? What's the rush? When I trust myself, then I can see when to give support and encouragement for my son to face his challenges today, rather than constantly preparing for the albatros of kindergarten. Readiness therefore, is the cumulative result of many wonderful "todays." Understanding this, suddenly it becomes clear how much is enough, and the pace in which it needs to be attempted.
So there we stood at each exhibit, watching and waiting until Anthony was prepared to participate. When we got home, he eagerly shared every detail of the museum with his daddy. Every detail. With his precise recall I could see that he fully benefitted from what the exhibits had to offer. He just needed me to trust that he would participate when he was ready, and that he can learn much just by observing. Who knows what other learning took place for Anthony today - I trust those lessons were exactly what Anthony needed.
With care,
~Miss Jane
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